


Manhattan Idyll

by ThePartyAfterYouLeft



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-29
Updated: 2012-08-29
Packaged: 2017-11-13 03:09:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/498775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePartyAfterYouLeft/pseuds/ThePartyAfterYouLeft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short-ish 4-chapter fic-my take on the events surrounding the episode Ghost; follows Walking Wounded, and a prequel of sorts to Flight Pattern.</p>
<p>"I took a few liberties," the detective finally said. "So what? Connors took a hell of a lot more than that."   </p>
<p> "Did he?" Alex hated to ask, but had to know if there was still even a strand of anything tying them together, however thin it might be.</p>
<p>---------------<br/>Part 2 of the Flight Pattern Series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Manhattan Idyll

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrawnToLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrawnToLife/gifts).



> A/N: This is a second short-ish fic (4 chapters total), this time surrounding the events in the episode Ghost-I know, it's been done to death, and for that I apologize. Just filling in some gaps for myself prior to starting the sequel to Homeward Bound. This follows the other short-ish fic, Walking Wounded.
> 
> And a huge thanks, most importantly, to MakersBreath, who beta'd this and improved it immensely with her comments, questions and input. That said, whatever remains that doesn't work is all on me. Thanks for reading.

** MANHATTAN IDYLL **

  
  


**-1-**

Alex was ready to pack her bags the moment she saw Don Cragen on her doorstep that frigid February afternoon, would gladly board a flight to New York as soon as Hammond could arrange it, no questions asked. When the plain sedan pulled up in her driveway, she'd known that some vestige of her former life would be knocking on her door. She had few friends here, and none of them drove a car that was probably just a Hertz rental, but still somehow managed to look like an unmarked police car.

The arrival of Jack Hammond hadn't been a huge surprise. She rarely saw him, but as her only connection to who she'd been, he had become something of a touchstone for her. It was hard enough admitting that to herself; she'd rather eat glass than tell him.

Cragen, though? That was a shock, and her first panicked thought as she peered out the blinds was that something had happened to Olivia. She didn't think anyone would come to tell her that, let alone the SVU captain, who had surely believed her to be quite dead until a day or two ago. Obviously, Hammond didn't drag Cragen out here because of anything to do with Olivia, since no one had even bothered to tell her in person that her own mother was dead.

Velez, then—it had to be. She didn't even really greet them when she opened the door. She simply looked at both men and said, "What happened?"

As they filled her in, Cragen tried not to look as if he'd seen a ghost. He'd been on a 24-hour roller-coaster ride that had started with the shock of finding out the ADA he'd mourned was alive, and was ending in a nondescript living room in Madison, Wisconsin that bore no trace of the Alex Cabot he knew. He hadn't known what to expect, but he quickly understood that he'd come to bring Alex home.

* * *

It hadn't been an accident that Olivia was Alex's overnight detail before her testimony in the Connors trial. Hammond had initially vetoed it, of course, though the marshals who'd dealt with her would have gladly let the NYPD babysit her any damn day. She hadn't been called a  _pain in the ass_ for nothing, after all. He told her that she was under their protection for the duration--no ifs, ands or buts. He should have known that wouldn't sit well. They'd had a showdown in McCoy's office before she'd begun to prep her testimony with Novak.

"I will stay where you tell me. I will do  _what_ you tell me. But if you don't let me have Benson & Stabler as my detail while I'm here, the whole thing is off. I won't testify, and you can ship me off to Wyoming or South Carolina, or whatever fresh hell you can dream up and try to protect me there, now that the cat's out of the bag."

"You think Wisconsin was hell? You have no idea where we could send you." Hammond's new partner, Brad Hawkes, was incensed. Where did this woman get off? And why was Hammond giving her such a long leash? Almost as if he could read Brad's thoughts, Hammond shook his head to silence any further protest from his partner.

"You know, Cabot, I didn't hear either of them volunteer." Hammond had struck a nerve, and he'd done it on purpose. He knew she was bluffing about not testifying—she wouldn't back down now, even for the pleasure of making his job harder. But the trial wasn't her only motivation. "How do you know they'd be willing to get themselves killed for you?"

She didn't answer, seemed reluctant to speak in front of someone she didn't know. He gave a nod to Hawkes, and the younger man left the room. Hammond looked at her for a minute before he spoke.

"Sit down, Alex." He hadn't called her that since—she wasn't sure when, really. Maybe once, in that horrid basement hideaway in the hospital, a room she was still convinced had been some kind of broom closet before she was wheeled in there under an armed guard and heavy sedation.

He'd been such a hardass then, told her to  _get used to it_ , and  _wrap your mind around this_ . And  _Emily._ That son of a bitch had insisted on calling her Emily, over and over again, even while she could still feel the cold sidewalk beneath her and Olivia's weight on her shoulder, the only thing keeping her alive.  _I'm Alex_ , she thought. But no one had cared what she thought, and even now, when she knew he'd saved her life while he was burying his partner, it still made her feel panicked and sick and lonely to remember any of it.

That she'd even managed to convince him to let her see Liv and Elliot before they took her away was a minor miracle, really. She wasn't proud of how she'd done it, but desperate times, and all that. She'd used Donovan, playing his death like it was the only card in her hand. When it came down to it, she supposed it was. She remembered that last morning, locked away in the dungeons of Roosevelt Hospital, after he explained that they'd leave the city that night and start moving her into her new life.

* * *

" _Agent Hammond, I'm sorry about Donovan..."_

" _The last thing I need is your sympathy," he'd said tersely. "You're the reason a good man died." Like that thought hadn't occurred to her, like he hadn't already told her that as she sat in the back of an ambulance, shocked and cut and bruised._

" _If he were alive, wouldn't you want to know?"_

_Hammond looked at her. "It wouldn't matter what I wanted."_

" _They were with me," Alex said. "And I know they're letting this eat them up. You know a cop with a guilty conscience and no confidence is as good as dead himself."_

" _Or herself," Hammond said, pointedly. He wasn't stupid, or unobservant, and he suspected there were other motives behind her demand, but she had a point. Both of the SVU detectives had been protective of Cabot at the scene when Donovan was murdered, and both were devastated at the hospital when told their ADA had died on the operating table. Stabler hid it far better than Benson, but even he was obviously shaken._

_He'd been through it himself, and that kind of grief caused you to second-guess yourself, and take chances you wouldn't ordinarily take, chances that could get you killed. Chances like he was about to take by giving into Cabot._

* * *

All these months later, just the two of them sitting here in McCoy's office, he felt sure he'd end up giving in again.

"What the hell is it with you, Cabot? Jesus. Do you think I get extra gold stars for coloring outside the lines? There are policies and procedures, for God's sake. Not that you apparently ever cared."

She just looked at him, knowing he was going to let her have this, but afraid anything more that would come out of her mouth might make him change his mind.

"This about Benson?" he asked. He'd seen the look on Benson's face at the rendezvous that night he escorted Cabot out of New York, and again when he and Cabot had walked into Novak's office earlier that afternoon. There was obviously some unfinished business between them, and he suspected only part of it had to do with Cabot being shot.

She hated to show him any vulnerability, but he was opening the door for her to explain why she needed this, and she couldn't lie. "Yes," she said. A few beats of silence followed. He waited her out. "I wouldn't ask if it weren't important."

Her mask had slipped for just a moment, and he saw a person, not a witness, or a duty. She reminded him of his own daughter. He knew he might not be able to give her a happy ending, but maybe he could manage a happy middle, since who the hell knew how or when this would be over? Before he'd allow this, though, he needed to make sure she understood there had to be some give-and-take. She'd have to do everything else by the book.

"Goddamn it. Fine. If they're willing to put up with your shit, the marshals will take a break. Lord knows they've earned it."

She didn't smile—she wanted to, even thought briefly of actually hugging him. Wisconsin had done a number on her. Instead, she just nodded, feeling like she'd given enough away already.

"But remember, everything else goes down just as I say," he reminded her. "When I say it's time to roll out of here, we go. No negotiations, no delays, no last-minute detours for a teary farewell. Got it?"

She nodded. It was a price she was willing to pay. What option did she have?

* * *

After prep with Casey, the marshals picked Alex up in the damn SUV—Hammond was unyielding on maintaining control of all transport. The agents delivered her safely to a waiting Elliot at the Wyndham in Chinatown. He'd taken the evening shift—she'd known he would, for a lot of reasons. Benson would arrive about 9 and stay overnight.

Inside room 1236, Alex kept up appearances for Elliot, paying only vague attention to game after game of backgammon and asking the requisite questions about Kathy, the kids. It wasn't that she didn't care—she did—but she was going through the motions. He was encouraging and kind, but he didn't ask about her new life, and she couldn't blame him. Who'd want to know? He was a man who noticed details, and who knew her well. He had surely realized that she was biding her time until his partner showed.

At 8:45, a quiet knock caused Elliot to immediately stand, drawing his weapon as he stood between Alex and the door. That this seemed normal to her was so absurd that she nearly laughed out loud. Seeing the gun hadn't caused her to flinch—she had one at her hous _e_ . It was guns she  _couldn't_ see that haunted her dreams.

Elliot relaxed when he heard Olivia's voice. He let her in and said a quick goodbye as he left. When the door closed behind him, leaving them alone for the first time in almost two years, everything inside Alex was churning. Liv's presence somehow simultaneously relaxed Alex and roiled her emotions. She fought to keep a lid on it, hoping finally to say what had been left unsaid.

  
  


**-2-**

  
  


"You making any friends?" Olivia asked. She was worried, seeing this shell of the Alex she remembered.

"I've been seeing someone," Alex said. "He's a good man. And when we're in bed together at night, he whispers my name: Emily."

Olivia tried not to react, but her disappointment and hurt were competing expressions that aren't easy to hide. "It's hard to be someone that you're not."

Olivia's words had hung there, the already-stale air in the room now crackling with...something.  _Longing?_ Alex wondered.  _Regret?_ The space between them was heavy with things neither of them knew how to say. She didn't even know how she'd managed, in less than five minutes, to bring up the man she'd been sleeping with.

Alex changed the subject. Having imagined and rehearsed this conversation a million times, she was surprised to find that she couldn't say what needed to be said. Alex could never admit that it was easier to think about Connors—to relive one of the worst nights of her life—than to be this close to Olivia without telling her how much she had missed her, and and how many times she'd nearly come home.

While Alex expressed her frustration with being the witness here—the  _victim_ , as much as she hated it—Olivia had gotten up and gone to her overnight bag. She interrupted with a whisper. "Alex, you didn't see this file."

Alex stared in disbelief. "You..." She couldn't find the words to finish her sentence.

"You can't come home until he's put away, Alex. I did what I had to do."

* * *

Alex read the file, asked Olivia questions about what she'd seen when Elliot interrogated Connors, tried to piece it all together. She could let herself pretend for just a while that this was normal and that her life was back in her control, properly and as it had been. She had a strategy now to get the jury to see what he really was. Casey seemed like a competent enough prosecutor, but she wasn't as invested in this as Alex was. Her whole life wasn't depending on the outcome.

"Why do I feel the compulsion to wipe it down and remove my fingerprints?" Alex joked as she returned the manila folder. Olivia was quiet, lost in thought as she walked back over to the ottoman and sat down. Alex's own mind was racing, too, full of strange thoughts. Was she still admitted to the Bar? Still a sworn officer of the court, now that she was resurrected from the dead? She didn't know if she could be censured for this, but she knew Olivia could face serious consequences for sharing the file. "You shouldn't have shown me that."

"I took a few liberties," the detective finally said. Her voice was even, almost quiet, but her tone was full of bile. "So what? Connors took a hell of a lot more than that."

"Did he?" Alex hated to ask, but had to know if there was still even a strand of anything tying them together, however thin it might be. The legal proceedings momentarily ignored, Alex had ceased her usual trial-prep pacing. She stood stock-still by the window now, waiting for Olivia to throw her a line, or cast her out to sea.

"You know he did," Liv finally answered, her voice laced with bitterness, and anger, and something else...something Alex couldn't identify. "I still hear it in my dreams, even now: the shots, the tires squealing, someone yelling  _Go Go Go_ . I still smell gunpowder and perfume and blood and that damn backed-up sewer."

"I'm lucky then," Alex said.

"Lucky?"

"I don't remember all of that. I remember hearing the first shot, I think, and it felt like someone had driven a white-hot poker into my shoulder. I couldn't hear much, really. My ears were ringing, but I could see you, and I did hear you saying  _Stay with me._ And I just thought,  _why wouldn't I?"_

* * *

"Oh, Jesus, Alex," Olivia said, clearly anguished. Her body was here, but her mind had betrayed her, taking her back to that sidewalk where she had lost the thing she needed before she even had it.

Alex walked over to where Olivia sat, tired of keeping her distance, feeling like she'd kept all the distance she could for far too long. She knelt on the ottoman behind Olivia, put her arms around the detective, and leaned close to whisper in her ear. "It's not your fault." Olivia was shaking her head side to side, slowly, though Alex didn't know if she was trying to deny what Alex was saying, or to push the memory out of her mind.

"Olivia, listen to me. It's not your fault."

"I don't know that I'll ever believe that, Alex."

"You have to," she said. "I know you've blamed yourself and I can't live with it. I had to talk to you tonight, to make sure you know that I never, ever blamed you. I never thought there was one thing you could have done differently."

"We shouldn't have been out. I should have had you tucked up safe at home."

"I couldn't hide forever. We'd dropped the case, the feds had pulled my protective detail. It was  _over_ . _"_

Olivia was too quiet. Alex wondered if she'd gotten too close, spoken too freely, and she fought the instinct to pull away and put a safe distance between them. That's what she would have done before—the old Alex, and maybe even the Emily version of Alex—but  _this_ Alex was home to claim what was hers: justice, peace of mind...Olivia. She couldn't afford to waste time on their usual game of hide-and-seek.

But everything was closing in on Olivia. Knowing how little time they had, reliving the grief and the horror and the guilt, the feeling of being wrapped in Alex's arms and the warm, solid body pressed against her back—it was all too much. She stood up, breaking Alex's hold on her. "I can't do this."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't handle you being so close to me, knowing I can't have you. You have a new life," Olivia said. "You're someone else now, Alex. I can feel it."

"Not here, I'm not," Alex said. "Not tonight, not with you."

"Whatever we were doing before," Liv began, "whatever we might have wanted, it's gone. Connors took that, too."

Alex didn't have any answer to that. She'd been afraid that Olivia had moved on, and it seemed certain now that she was right. Olivia was telling her that things were different. She gathered herself, crossed her arms and steeled herself a bit.  _Grow up, Cabot, what did you expect?_

"I suppose he did," she said. "I don't know."

"Of course you know," Olivia practically spat out the words. "You just sat here and told me about your boyfriend. How was I supposed to take that? I'm happy for you, Alex, really I am."

"It's not like that," Alex said. "It's...it's something to do, Liv. Something to  _feel_ , someone who will care if I live or die or disappear off the face of the earth."

"I care," Olivia said.

"I know you do," Alex said. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Then why the hell did you throw him in my face?" The anger was leaving Olivia's voice, but it was replaced by sadness, and resignation. Alex had given up so much for this moment, and it was going horribly wrong.

"I didn't mean to, Olivia," Alex said, softly. "I wanted you to know I was okay. I didn't want you to worry."

"Well, then, everything's great, so I won't worry anymore," she answered. "I'm glad you're okay, Alex. I wish you nothing but joy."

* * *

Olivia stood up without another word, grabbed her bag and headed to the bathroom. She took a long shower, and came back to throw a blanket and pillow on the sofa. By the time Alex came out of the bath, Olivia was asleep, or pretending to be.

Alex climbed into the bed and lay there for a few minutes, until she couldn't stand it any more. She walked across the dark room to the shadow of Liv's form on the couch, and knelt down beside her.

"Liv?" she whispered. "Talk to me?"

It was a long moment before the reply came. "Is there anything to say?"

Alex considered the words, and their meaning. She finally rose from her knees and stood over Olivia. "I guess not."

She returned to the bed, curling up on her side so that she was facing the wall, and cried silently until she fell asleep.

The morning was quiet, and they exchanged nothing more than polite conversation as they got ready for court.

**-3-**

  
  


After Alex's testimony, Hammond escorted her out of the courtroom, and she spoke briefly to Olivia, Mike and Antonio in the hallway. She was proud that this little kid was willing to face down the man who'd killed his parents, and she wanted to wait here to find out how it went, but Hammond had her on the move.

"Let's get going," he said quietly. "Ms. Novak tells me there's no way this goes to the jury before the end of the day, so I want to get you out of here for the night." He was lightly gripping her elbow, already propelling her toward another SUV, and another hotel, because it wasn't safe to stay in the same one two nights in a row. She knew this without asking, knew that while he trusted Liv and Elliot, there was a chance that a maid or a bellhop would realize who she was, sell her out for a little cash.

She looked at Olivia. "See you there?"

"Sure." The answer was what she wanted to hear, so she tried to ignore the noncommittal tone.

* * *

She and Hammond exited through the underground garage—there were far too many reporters outside the courthouse, and they couldn't risk being followed. There were three identical black Suburbans waiting; Alex entered the last one, and they headed up the exit ramp onto the street. The three cars split up when they got into traffic. Alex and Hammond switched cars in another underground garage, at the DEA's Manhattan headquarters, for the last leg of the journey through stop-and-go traffic to the Hilton in Midtown.

When they got there, instead of both SVU detectives awaiting their arrival, they found a two-room suite, and Stabler, by himself. Alex wasn't surprised, but struggled mightily to hide her disappointment.

"Sorry I couldn't stick around," he said. "How'd it go?"

"Okay, I think," she replied. It struck Elliot that his old ADA, confident almost to a fault, had rarely exhibited anything even approaching the level of self-doubt that was written all over Alex's face now.

"I'm sure you did great," he assured her.

"She was perfect," Hammond said unexpectedly. She turned to look at him, her bewildered expression doing nothing to hide her surprise.

"I knew she would be," the detective said. "She always did know how to work a jury."

"She hasn't lost a step," Hammond said. Alex was speechless. This kind of praise was unusual from Stabler, and unimaginable coming from Hammond, who was preparing to leave. "You and your partner got this, Detective?"

"Just me tonight, actually," Elliot replied. "If you're okay with that, Alex. I'm sorry, I had them change the reservation to a suite, but I should have checked with you."

His smile was disarming, as usual, and his blue eyes were twinkling as he tried to put Alex at ease. She had no concerns about him being here with her overnight—none at all. But he couldn't know that he'd just told her all she needed to know about any future she might have with his partner. She'd hurt Olivia the night before, and this was her payback. She forced a smile.

"Sure, of course," she said. "That's fine."

"Where's Benson?" Hammond asked. He wasn't willing to let it go so easily. Cabot had put up a hell of a fight to see her, and he wanted to know why the detective was suddenly MIA.

"At the precinct, something about reviewing some witness statements on a case we're working. Since she spent the night last night, I told her I'd handle it tonight."

"Thanks, Elliot," Alex said, and headed into the suite's bedroom, busying herself with unpacking a few necessities from her small suitcase. Satisfied that his charge was safe and sound, Hammond left. He had an errand to run before heading home himself.

* * *

Olivia was the only one in the bullpen at 7:15 when Hammond walked into the 1-6.

"Transferred to 2nd shift now, Benson?" Hammond stopped at Elliot's desk, pulled out the chair and sat down. He had her full attention.

"Is something wrong with Alex?"

"Do you care?" he asked her.

"Of course I do," the detective answered.

"Could have fooled me. You begged off her detail tonight for...what? Pushing papers around your desk while everyone else is at home?"

She knew from his response that Alex was fine, but that left her wondering why he was here at all. "I'm not sure my work schedule is any of your concern, Agent Hammond."

"You're right. It's not," he allowed. "But Cabot is."

"Meaning?" She'd put her files down now, totally focused on this conversation.

"Meaning, you're an idiot," he said. "She's here to see you, and you're avoiding her."

"She's here to testify," Olivia argued.

"Bullshit," Hammond replied. His anger surprised both of them. "You don't believe that anymore than I do. And as soon as that verdict comes in—probably tomorrow—she's gone again."

"Back to Wisconsin," Olivia muttered.

"Hell, no. She can't go back there, Benson," he laughed. "Don't be obtuse. The media's been all over this story here in New York, the ADA who came back from the dead like Lazarus. I know you probably think that Madison is a backwater cowtown, but they do have TV and Internet. Someone will recognize her."

"And she knows that?"

"Of course she knows it," he said, frustration lacing his voice. "She's not stupid. She loaded up her suitcase and handed off three boxes to be forwarded to wherever she ends up. We left the morning after Cragen and I told her about Connors."

"What did she tell her coworkers?" Liv asked. "Her friends?" _Her lover_ , she thought, but did not ask because she didn't want to know the answer.

"Not a damn thing," Hammond said. "I told her she could stay put, pretend she didn't even know any of this was going on, but she wasn't having it. She left town without a word to anyone."

"Where will she go next?"

"You know I can't tell you that."

"She really wants to put Connors away," Olivia said.

"You wanna believe that's the only reason she came back? Go ahead."

"You don't understand this, Hammond."

"Oh, and you're some expert on the care and handling of protected witnesses?" He was mocking her, and she didn't like it.

"This is none of your business," she told him. "Things change. Last night, she said things.."

"Like what? She told you she'd been killing time with some guy from work? And you're going to hold that against her?" He shook his head at Olivia's uncomprehending expression. "It's my job to know things, Benson, to make sure she's alright. And what I  _know_ is that she walked away from the half-assed semblance of a life she'd managed to build because she had to see you."

Olivia had no response to that. Hammond stood, and wheeled Elliot's chair back under the desk. He took a few steps, and stopped a foot from Olivia, looking down at her.

"She thinks I'm an asshole, and she's probably right about that," he said in an even voice. "But if you really believe she came back here, and uprooted her whole life again, just to testify, then you're not half the detective she gives you credit for."

* * *

He left the squad room, and she sat in silence for ten full minutes before she knew what she had to do.

Room 531 at the Hilton was quiet, with Elliot watching the Rangers game and Alex pretending to read a book. She couldn't focus, preoccupied with thoughts of Olivia, and their conversation the night before.

"Wanna watch something else, Alex?"

"Nah, it's fine," she said. "I wouldn't pay much attention anyway. Enjoy your game."

"Hockey's big up where you are, huh?"

She couldn't believe she was here with Stabler, talking about hockey and, before that, skiing, and ten other things she couldn't care less about. She should be with Olivia, should be telling her she loved her, and missed her, and how sorry she was. It took all of her concentration to even keep the small talk going with Elliot.

"Yeah, I guess," she said. "I'm not a fan, but there are rinks everywhere. My coworkers' kids all seem to play."

"I bet they skate before they can walk..."

Elliot was interrupted by a knock on the door. Unlike last night, when they'd been expecting Liv, this time they were both startled.

"Go in the bathroom and close the door," Elliot whispered to her as he stood and walked toward the door, gun pointed at head-height. She did as he said. Only then did he speak to whoever was knocking. "Who is it?"

"El, it's me," came Olivia's voice. "Let me in."

He checked the peephole—satisfied that it was his partner, and she was alone, he unbolted the door. She walked in the room with an overnight bag.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Changed my mind," she shrugged. "Besides, I was just spinning my wheels with those witness statements, so I figured you could at least go home and see your kids. Where's Alex?" She looked around the rooms.

"In the bathroom," he said. "You scared the shit out of us. How 'bout a call first?" He walked to the closed door and knocked. "It's okay, Alex, it's just Liv."

Alex emerged, looking quizzically at the two detectives. "What are you doing here?"

"I wasn't getting anywhere with those files," Olivia said. "Figured I'd come over and hang out, send Elliot home."

Alex didn't know what to make of the casual tone, or the  _just dropping by_ remarks.

"Okay, then," Elliot said, also clearly confused by the change in plans. "You good, Alex?"

Alex nodded, and Stabler grabbed his bag and left a few minutes later.

* * *

When they were alone, and the door was closed, Alex turned to look at the detective.

"You came to  _hang out_ ?"

"Alex, listen..."

"No, you listen, Olivia. If you've come here to make me feel bad, it isn't necessary. I can't possibly feel any worse." Her time in court today had brought back a little of the old fire, and her pulse quickened a bit. She'd missed arguing with Olivia almost as much as she'd missed everything else about her.

"That's not why I came," Olivia said.

"Then why are you here?" Alex's tone softened, just a bit.

"Because I was wrong," she explained. "Because I realized that you're here with me now, and that's all that matters. Will you forgive me?"

"What made you change your mind?" Alex was still a bit wary, careful not to say anything that would ruin this unexpected good fortune.

Olivia couldn't answer that, would never admit that it had been Hammond, that she had been so stubborn and so hurt that his visit was the only thing that had helped her make any sense of this. She told the truth, or the heart of it, at least. "I've missed you, thought of you every single day. You do know that, don't you?" It was all Alex needed to hear.

"I've missed you, too, Liv. More than you know," she said. "God, I hate this. I hate that I'm only here for a couple of days, in hiding. That I had to beg Hammond to let me see you. That I'm gone in the first place. I didn't want it to be like this." Her eyes met Olivia's now.

Olivia reached for her, pulling her in close. "I'll take you any way I can get you, Alex. You don't owe me any explanations." Alex felt all the warmth she'd been missing every cold night in Madison, in a house that was not a home.

* * *

"That man in Wisconsin has nothing to do with anything," Alex's lips moved against Olivia's skin, her voice trembling. "I'm sorry I mentioned him. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Don't say that, Alex," Olivia answered, leaning back to look at the woman in her arms. "I reacted badly last night. I do want you to be happy, and to have love in your life."

She kissed Olivia, a timid sigh of a kiss, as if testing to see if this were really happening, and not just a cruel dream. She brushed her lips against the detective's ear. "I want that, too," Alex whispered. "But he's not it."

Their hands entwined as Olivia nuzzled the soft skin on the blonde's neck, drinking in the scent of her. She knew that smell was the sense most powerfully associated with memory, and right now the familiarity threatened to knock her over. It was the same perfume, the same mix of warm skin and shampoo and sweetness that it had always been. Her eyes closed—the sensory input was overwhelming, and she had to block something out. But not this smell. Never this intoxicating scent.

She moved her head, kissing and nipping and licking the soft skin around her jaw and under her chin. When she reached the left ear, she spoke in a sigh. "Alex."

"Yes." Alex's reply was both acknowledgment and acquiescence.

"I don't care what he calls you. You're only Alex to me," Liv said, pulling her head back to look into the blue eyes. "I'd give anything to go back to that night, to do whatever I had to do."

"You can't," Alex said. "There are 489 days between here and there." She was sobbing, having come unglued in the space of a minute, as soon as she met Liv's eyes. What shocked Olivia wasn't the tears—it was how long she'd kept them at bay. Olivia's heart was breaking at the thought of Alex, in Wisconsin, being called by someone else's name and counting days since she'd been herself.

She held the blonde, stroking her hair, smelling her shampoo, whispering, lips moving against her ear. "It's okay, Alex, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay." Then she tilted her chin up and kissed her.

"Liv, you don't have to..."

She kissed her again before speaking. "Did that feel like a  _have to_ ?"

Alex shook her head.  _No._ "What are we doing, Liv?"

"Resetting the clock to zero," Olivia answered. "When you count those days, start here. We're together now. Let me take care of you, Alex."

  
  


**-4-**

  
  


Alex leaned over and put her hand into Olivia's hair and pulled the detective's face toward her own. Her hair was just perfect—shaggy and sexy and not too long. This woman had gotten even more beautiful, a beauty deep enough to drown in, and Alex was going under without a fight. "Olivia," she whispered. "Make love to me. Please."

Olivia wanted that, wanted to love Alex every day, and to tell her that she loved her every day and every night until she tired of hearing it or until they both ceased to exist. But she didn't want to frighten Alex, or overwhelm her with need. Holding her would be more than enough. "Honey, are you sure?"

Alex nodded, afraid to speak because she knew her voice would break again. The tears were still too close to the surface. She was sure—beyond sure, in fact—that she wanted this more than she could have imagined. Before she could leave here, and be another Emily, or Shannon or whoever, she had tonight to be the Alex who loved Olivia, even if she didn't feel she could confess how far gone she truly was.

But first, there was one last bridge to cross.

Reluctantly leaving Olivia's embrace, she slowly pulled her own shirt up and over her head, dropping it on the carpet as she steeled herself for the inevitable reaction. Olivia sucked in a breath—Alex could see it, hear it—and it briefly struck her that to anyone else this might look like a striptease, a come-on. But not to Olivia, and she knew that. The brown eyes had gone directly to the pink, raised scars on her shoulder.

"This is all." Alex's voice was soft, but steady. "All that's left of the damage that bastard did. And I'm okay, Liv. I'm right here, and I'm okay."

* * *

Olivia was motionless, transfixed by this tangible reminder of a nightmare she couldn't wake up from. Alex placed Liv's hand on the variegated skin, and the touch finally jarred Olivia, setting her in motion. Her fingers roamed first over the marks left by the exit wounds, then explored the corresponding scars on her back where the bullets had torn into Alex. Both women were visualizing the night it happened, the mundane conversation they'd been having right before the shots were fired, and the path the bullets took through skin and muscle, sinew and bone.

"Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry." Olivia finally breathed this out, only a whisper.

"No, Liv, don't," Alex said. She wanted the detective to look her in the eye, but Olivia's gaze was still on the scars, and she looked at them as an angry rebuke, evidence of her failure to protect the most precious thing she could imagine. "Please, look at me."

She waited until Olivia managed to drag her eyes back to meet Alex's own.

"I didn't show you this to hurt you, Olivia. I showed you so you'd know I'm  _okay._ They're healed."

"But what about you? Are you healed?"

Alex seemed to weigh her words before she spoke. "I'm working on it," she finally answered. "It's  _you_ I'm worried about."

"Me?"

"Yes, Liv. You have to let yourself heal, too."

_How?_ Olivia thought. Alex might as well ask her to perform a miracle. She'd known the scars were there, of course, but seeing them had opened up her own wounds all over again. It also raised questions about Alex's new life.

She traced the scars again, then looked into Alex's eyes. "What do you tell him?"

"Craig?" Alex asked.

Olivia nodded. "Craig." She repeated the name in a low voice, adding one more detail to her mental dossier on the Wisconsin man who held Alex at night, made love to her, called her  _Emily_ .

"As little as possible," Alex admitted. "Only what I have to."

Olivia nodded. That, she understood. She'd been with a few people since Alex left, once or twice each, only when the loneliness was buzzing in her brain like a swarm of bees. Never overnight. She also said as little as possible. Explained nothing. It was easier that way, for everyone.

"These scars remind me of the last time you touched me, Liv, of the last time I was  _me._ And I don't ever want to forget that. And I don't want to share it with anyone."

* * *

Olivia grabbed Alex's hips, bringing their bodies together forcefully. They were both breathing heavily, and the kiss was frenzied as Olivia's tongue met Alex's, and then Liv's focus wasn't on the scars gracing the right shoulder, but on every inch of fair skin, the chest flushed red with arousal, and the soft swell of the gorgeous breasts straining ever so gently against the cups of a silk bra that was the same color as Alex's eyes. The detective pinned Alex to the wall with a gentle grip and a hungry gaze.

Alex felt Olivia's eyes as if they were touching her, warm on her skin. She reached out, drawing her hand—and her eyes—down the front of the brunette's red shirt, undoing each button until she reached the black leather belt around her waist. Olivia's eyes followed, and when Alex hooked two fingers in the her jeans, pulling slightly at the denim in her grip, Olivia let out a shaky breath and looked up.

Alex met her eyes, and didn't look away as she yanked the red shirt down her arms and off, using the garment to pull their bodies together. Olivia's need was already palpable, but Alex's abrupt and unexpected aggression propelled a wave of heat that rolled through her body, settling between her legs.

Their kisses were passionate as Alex's hands danced over the olive skin on display in front of her. She slid her hot mouth down Olivia's jaw and onto her neck, simultaneously unhooking her bra while pulling her belt loose from its buckle.

"Impressive," Liv murmured.

"I multitask," Alex mumbled against her skin.

"I meant the bra," Olivia joked. "You don't act like someone who's been sleeping with a good man."

"Another reason I shouldn't have told you that," Alex said, now alternating licks and gentle bites on Olivia's breasts while she pinched and caressed the nipples with her hands. "I'm never going to hear the end of it."

"But you did tell me," she teased, "and you can't take it back now."

Alex stopped a moment, cupping a breast in each hand and grasping them, kneading them, hard enough that it was  _almost_ too much. She looked directly at Olivia. "I can't take it back, but I can sure as hell make you forget about it."

She released a breast and moved her hand quickly to Olivia's stomach, then dragged her knuckles over the zipper and along the seam of Olivia's jeans, feeling wet heat through the rough fabric. Olivia's breath caught, and she put her own hand over Alex's, pressing it into her core, moving her hips to increase the delicious pressure.

Flipping them so that Olivia was leaning against the wall, Alex unzipped the detective's tight jeans and slid them down to the floor. Olivia freed one leg, then the other, and Alex took advantage of her widened stance to ease one finger under the elastic on Liv's black panties, moaning slightly at the wetness there.

Olivia took the panties off, and pulled Alex up over to the bed. She sat on the end, positioning Alex in front of her. Loosening the drawstring at the waistband, she dragged the soft grey yoga pants and striped cotton underwear slowly down Alex's long legs in one fluid motion. She lay back on the bed, and pulled herself back until her head was on the pillows. She beckoned to Alex. "Come here."

Alex obeyed, wouldn't dream of saying no to anything Olivia asked of her. She crawled up the expanse of the king-sized mattress and over the perfect body awaiting her. Straddling the brunette, she pressed herself into Olivia, enjoying the excitement building like steam in a pressure cooker.

Unhooking the clasp at the front of Alex's bra, Liv wore a lazy smile as she traced one pink nipple, then the other, and raised up to lavish attention on them with her tongue. This new position made Alex grunt softly with pleasure and she moved her hips in a slow, grinding circle over Liv's clit. Olivia's eyes were nearly black, dilated with desire.

"You know what?" Olivia said, her voice just above a whisper.

"What?" Alex was so ready for this, so wet and wound so tight, she was surprised she could even remember such a simple word.

Liv rolled her onto the bed, moved so that their faces were only inches apart, as Alex unconsciously licked her full lips. "I can sure as hell make you forget about him, too."

* * *

Olivia kissed her, consuming her with a fierce urgency before sliding down Alex's body until she reached her destination. She just touched the tip of her tongue to the bundle of nerves there, giving a few gentle flicks before playing her flattened tongue along the length of the slick skin. Alex raised her hips, matching the movement of Olivia's mouth.

Olivia was humming with pleasure, and the slight vibration combined with the feel of her dexterous tongue to quickly push Alex to a frenzy. "Oh, God, Liv," she murmured, moving her head back and forth as she gripped a handful of dark hair. "Baby, please, don't stop."

_Baby._ That single word, poignant and protective and passionate, might be Olivia's undoing. "You taste so good, Alex," Liv mumbled. "So sweet." The movements of her tongue varied—circling Alex's clit, stroking her length, alternately teasing and filling her—but the pleasure was unrelenting. Alex was close, torn between the desire for pleasure and the need for release. She could do nothing but beg.

"Inside me, Liv, please."

Olivia continued to move her tongue as she put two fingers deep into Alex, feeling the muscles tighten around her. She flicked her tongue rapidly, persistently, filling Alex with her other hand, finding her G-spot and dragging her middle finger over it with every thrust. Alex came with a shuddering release, able to say nothing but Olivia's name as she crested the peak of her arousal.

* * *

At 3:30, when Olivia came out of the bathroom with water, she found Alex at the window, forehead touching the glazed glass and her naked body carelessly wrapped in the bedsheet they'd long since torn from its moorings. Alex was so beautiful, hair loose now on her shoulders, that Olivia could have cried. She wished she could commission a painting, never forget the fair skin, the white sheet, the dark room, the city lighting the night outside.

She walked to Alex, lightly took hold of her hip, and offered her a drink. Alex took a sip, and leaned to set it on the side table.

"What's out there?" Olivia asked, as she swept aside the fall of thick blonde hair. It felt like silk running through her fingers, and Alex shivered as the ends tickled her shoulder blades.

"Nothing. Everything is right here."

Olivia didn't trust herself to speak, afraid that she would open her mouth and find herself begging to run away together, to leave and never come back. She lowered her mouth to Alex's neck. Alex moaned, a strangled sob almost, and put both palms on the glass in front of her. The sheet, freed from her grasp, began to slip from her body. Olivia pulled it completely off, dropping it to the floor, and pushed her own front against Alex's back, needing to feel as much skin as she could. Alex gasped as the collision of their bodies pressed her against the cold pane.

"Now," Alex said. And Olivia took her there, insistent but surprisingly tender. Caressing a hardened nipple, she wrapped her other arm around Alex's waist, reaching down to press the pads of her fingers to Alex's clit.

Olivia's senses were heightened, her awareness of the moment so amplified that she imagined she could feel the loops and whorls of her own fingerprints gliding over Alex's skin, moving in rhythm against the firm ass in front of her, creating an exquisite friction. They didn't talk much, sharing only whispered words of pleading and praise.

Tension tightening her muscles, her orgasm coiling in her gut like a spring, Alex reached back and pulled that gorgeous mouth down to her shoulder. "Say my name."

Olivia was happy to oblige, over and over again, repeating the word like a vow as she kissed the two scars, each representing a year already stolen from them.

"Alex," she whispered. "Alex, you're so beautiful. Please, Alex. Don't leave me."

Alex came, crying hot tears against the cold window as she looked out at the city and wondered if she'd ever be back.

* * *

They didn't sleep that night, not at all. Alex wasn't willing to miss a moment of her only chance to erase the greatest regret of her life. They had wasted so much time, and she couldn't bear to lose a single second more. The third time Olivia slipped inside of her, she'd sighed so contentedly, Olivia had said "Like a glove," and kissed Alex deeply. "Like home."

As the pink glow of the sunrise began to color the room, they were on the sofa, Liv straddling Alex, the blonde lavishing attention on her breasts, her shoulders, her beautiful mouth. There wasn't enough time. Elliot would be back at 8, with Hammond's goons, to pick them up. Alex wanted so badly to never leave this room, to make this last forever.

She was slow and deliberate as she kissed every inch of the beautiful body in front of her, until Olivia was sure she'd go crazy if she didn't feel Alex inside of her one more time. "Fuck me, Alex," she whispered, her head forward, leaning against Alex's own, and her eyes closed. Alex slipped her hand between Olivia's thighs, and danced up and down in the folds of skin, just brushing her clit, teasing, enjoying every second they had. Ready to meet Olivia's need, she finally admitted her own.

"Open your eyes, Liv," she said. Olivia seemed to struggle, maybe not ready to reveal the depths of emotion she was feeling. "Come on, baby, please, open your eyes for me."

She did, lifting heavy lids like she was waking from a deep sleep. As her eyes focused on Alex's own, Alex slipped two, then three fingers inside her. Olivia bit her lip, trying and failing to stifle a moan, but never broke eye contact with Alex, just stared into her eyes until she came.

When they couldn't put it off any longer, they began to get ready. Liv hadn't joined Alex in the shower, afraid they'd never be ready, and by the time Alex got out, she was a bit distant. Liv put it down to nerves, and stress, and decided not to compound it now by saying anything even remotely like  _goodbye._ They'd talk after the verdict.

As they got ready to leave the hotel room, with just a minute or two until Alex's armed escort arrived, they faced one another in the bathroom. "How do I look?" Alex asked, forcing a grin. "Hopefully the sleepless night doesn't show."

"I don't think anyone else will see it," Olivia said, "but I think a lack of sleep makes you look absolutely radiant."

_I can't do this,_ Alex thought.  _I have to leave you, and I can't do this. I can't walk away from you._ Her smile faltered, a fleeting chink in the armor she'd resolved to put on today. Mindful of her promise to Hammond, she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Her expression was just a little different.

It was her game face, and Olivia had hoped she wouldn't see it while they were still alone in this hotel room. She felt a slight chill in the air between them.

"Thank you, Liv, for everything."

"No problem, Alex. Anything for a friend. You know that." She could feel that Alex was already gone.

  
  


**#**

 


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